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Bill Goes To Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..." "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 98!" laughed Satan. And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

Landing at MS Airport

The pilot of a small aircraft was trying to land at the Redmond, WA airport. It was terribly foggy and he could not see the ground or the runway; and he did not have the instruments to make a non-visual landing. As he was flying through the fog, trying to find the airport, he flew past a tall building and saw a man standing in an open window. "Where am I?", he yelled to the man. "In an airplane," the man replied. The pilot immediatly turned the plane, and made a perfect landing at the airport. One of the passengers asked the pilot how he had found the runway when he couldn't see the ground through the fog. "The answer the man in the window gave me was 100% accurate, but totally useless," he replied. "So I knew that building had to be Microsoft technical support. And I knew Microsoft technical support was exactly 1/2 SSW of the airport."

Windows 98 Marketing

Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting! Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 98 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP: Plug and Pray (that it works) Multimedia: Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software: It will also crash your existing software. Increased Productivity: You will need to increase your budget to buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer! That`s product-ivity. User-Friendly: Picture of clouds State of the Art: Pay for Bill`s next bid for a work of art. Macintosh-like: It took Microsoft 14 years and it`s not even original. Online Registration: Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft`s files for the rest of your life. MS Plus: More money for Bill`s plus side. Optimize: It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you`ll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity".

Highlights of Bill Gates Birthday Bash!

The part where he bought out the competing birthday party next door. The thrilling rumor an actual woman might show up. Employee who decorated cake with trick candles that can't be blown out? Fired. The annual tradition - drunkest guy in the room has to cut Bill's hair. Leonard Nimoy presenting him with an autographed Spock ear. Instead of blowing out candles, making vanquished business rivals put them out with their bare hands. Kids got to smash piņatas full of $10,000 bills. When he "downloaded" almost 12 bottles of beer before passing out. Scoring the free meal at Denny's.

Apple Vs. Microsoft

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee. They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."